위험 baby!

“It is not clear that I will ever play guitar again.”

That was today’s bombshell from Bono. And it raised two questions in the minds of music lovers the world over:

1) Could Bono play guitar before?

2) What role if any did Kim Jong-un play in the U2 frontman’s (evidently very serious) cycling accident?

I will not dignify the first question with a response. And shame on you for asking it. It’s 2015, people. Show some respect.

As to the second query, we can only ask how reasonable it is to presume that the North Korean leader or his henchmen could have engineered an unfortunate “accident” in order to stop the world’s most successful pop group from continuing to poison impressionable listeners with their filthy Western ways.

And, having considered the matter, I think it’s fair to say Kim was almost certainly responsible for Bono’s two-wheel tragedy.

It is a well-known fact that Kim (Jong-un, to friends) considers U2’s entire output post-Achtung Baby to be substandard. Moreover, he really, really hates the West and would think nothing of intervening to dethrone a reigning rock god. Today, Bono. Tomorrow, um, Nickelback? Soon, if recent trends continue, all widespread media releases will have to first be cleared with North Korea. Sorry, Psy, but that comeback is now out of the question.

And yet, perhaps we’ve been premature in condemning Kim as an evil madman. In retrospect, he merely tried to use his influence to stop a crude, unfunny and all-around terrible Hollywood film from reaping profits at the expense of misguided movie-goers. Is that so wrong? Really, the question we should be asking is not why Kim tried to stop The Interview, but where he was when the remake of Annie, or the latest Transformers movie hit theatres? The man is arguably in a position to do good. He owes it to us to use that position to at least stop the next Nickelback or Mellencamp album in its tracks.

You’ve got the power, supreme leader. Use it wisely. Don’t make us come over there.

(That’s if you’re reading this. And I know you are.)

See, already 2015 is looking brighter. Kim Jong-un is our friend. Glad I could help.

True, depriving a well-meaning soul like Bono of his motor skills may be considered overstepping one’s bounds. But dictatorship is a matter of trial and error. Did I say trial? I meant executions and error. With the right coaching, I’m sure Kim will get it right in time for the next season of Duck Dynasty.

After all, a year in which Ringo “No No Song” Starr can be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for his solo career, is surely a year in which anything can be achieved.

Including, I dare say, Bono picking up a guitar.

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